S01E05
The boys are in my class because I’m the only teacher who can handle them.
We may no longer be able to accommodate them.
Ultimatums were made.
She used this to kill herself. Why would you keep it?
Questions were asked.
- Are you ok? - I think he’s hiding something.
And lots of evidence was uncovered.
What is it you hired me to do?
Someone sent that note to my wife.
I need to know who.
You like Alfred Hitchcock?
I found it in the ruins of Edie’s home.
I found it under our bed. It’s not mine.
Talk about dirty laundry.
Every neighborhood has a woman like Alberta Frome.
And every woman like Mrs. Frome has a cat.
When she traveled, Mrs. Frome would arrange for friends to look after her beloved pet.
This time, however, she was forced to ask her neighbor, Susan Mayer.
Mrs. Frome liked Susan.
But it was common knowledge on Wisteria Lane, where Susan Mayer went, bad luck was sure to follow.
Her misfortunes ranged from the commonplace...
...to the unusual...
...to the truly bizarre.
As she waved goodbye, she worried that Susan’s bad luck would continue.
For that matter, so did her cat.
Mr. Whiskers. Dinner time.
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.
That’s weird. Cats can’t open drawers, can they?
- Are you sure you didn’t leave them open? - No way.
Wow. Do you think somebody broke in?
Mr. Whiskers?
Mr. Whiskers?
Though she didn’t know it at the time, Susan’s luck... had finally started to change.
News that an intruder had breached the security of Wisteria Lane spread like wildfire.
At a neighborhood watch meeting the next night, residents voiced their concerns over the increasing dangers their community faced.
Mrs. Ida Grenberg said someone was looking through her bathroom window whenever she took a shower.
Bob Fisk warned those present that a government agency was listening in on their phone conversations.
Helen Vale spoke of a ruthless local tenage gang that had egged her minivan.
Three factors contribute to...
The evening concluded with Officer Thompson offering safety tips and a plan of action.
...The oppoutunity you have some control over.
You can sign up for daily or nightly patrols, which might seem like overkill, but I guarantee regular surveillance will deter even the most determined criminal.
Are there any other questions?
All right. Let’s be careful out there.
Actually, I do have a question. Do you have a second?
Sure. How can I help?
Um... I’m the one who discovered the break-in.
- I think I found some evidence. - Evidence?
This is a screwdriver left behind by the burglar.
I didn’t touch it.
Why didn’t you give this to the investigators?
I tried and they sort of laughed at me.
Because apparently nothing was taken from Mrs. Frome’s house.
I apologize for that. That was totally unprofessional.
Thank you.
So you think it should be dusted for prints?
- Yes. And I’ll make sure it gets done. - Great.
Bye.
Boys, stop it! Go to bed!
- We’re not tired! - Well, at least go upstairs.
- We want to play! - Look!
Gimme!
Go! Go!
So why weren’t you sitting with Mike?
I thought you two were an item.
I sort of thought so too.
Getting a lot of mixed signals.
I’ll tell you who wasn’t giving mixed signals.
Sexy officer Thompson.
He stared at you all night.
You noticed that?
Honey, trust me, when they’re not staring at me, I notice.
I appreciate you guys staying and helping.
Oh, please. I would have hosted it myself but there’s camping equipment everywhere.
It’s nice of you.
And there’s something else nice that I’d like you to do.
Your kids both went to Barcliff Academy, didn’t they?
We need you to recommend Porter and Preston.
We can’t get an interview.
You want me to recommend the twins?
Yes. You can tell them how beautifully behaved the boys are.
- So you want me to lie? - Yeah.
I thought that was understood.
I’m very well respected at Barcliff, and my word won’t be good there any more.
Yes, but by the time they realize their mistake, we’ll be in.
You’re not having any more kids. What do you care?
I had hoped some day to get my grandchildren into Barcliff.
But I suppose that doesn’t matter to you, does it?
It really doesn’t.
We’ve got to get rid of it.
- I said leave it alone! - No! You can’t stop me!
Paul and Zach are fighting again.
The second time this week.
They never fought when Mary Alice was alive.
It’s a shame. They used to be such a happy family.
Just because you didn’t hear them fighting, doesn’t mean they were happy.
The next day, as residents began to patrol Wisteria Lane in the hopes of foiling potential burglars, Gabrielle was about to experience a home invasion of her own.
Mama Solis! What are you doing here?
I came to visit my son and daughter-in-law.
What does it look like?
Does Carlos know you’re coming?
No. He likes to be surprised.
Now come.
Gabrielle. Come.
Family should always hug...
... regardless of how they feel about each other.
Wow. She’s a beauty. 30-footer?
Sweet. I sail. I’ve got a flying Scott.
We have several yachting enthusiasts here in Barcliff Academy.
I could introduce them to you...
That sounds great.
...if we decide to enroll your children.
To be honest, Mr. And Mrs. Scavo, your children’s educational background is a bit more common than we would prefer.
But Mrs. Van de Kamp said they were identical twins?
Yes. Completely identically. You can’t tell them apart.
They’re like book ends.
We do strive for diversity at Barcliff.
Identical twins could be interesting.
The boys are fascinating. They even have their own twin secret language.
Yeah, it’s pretty scary.
Not so much scary as highly developed.
Yeah, they bark and growl at each other.
Tom, Mr. Lentz was trying to say something.
Sorry. Go ahead, Mr. Lentz.
I’d love to meet these twins of yours.
I tell you what.
I’m going to put them on our ”must-meet list”.
- Terrific! - Thank you so much.
What is a ”must-meet list”?
We bring them in for observation.
Observation?
Mm. To see how they play with the other children, how they respond to authority, that sort of thing.
- Great. - That sounds wonderful.
Kids ready?
Almost. Thanks for driving them.
Happy to do it. I miss them.
Did you hear there was a break-in at Mrs. Frome’s the other night?
Yeah. I heard they didn’t take anything.
It’s still frightening.
He could have been a sexual predator.
And he ended up at Mrs. Frome’s?
That would have been a lose-lose situation.
Rex, that’s not the point.
I don’t feel safe. I was wondering if you could spend the night.
You’re in the NRA. You own four guns.
If somebody broke in I’d expect you to protect me.
Rex, the truth is, with the kids gone, I’ll be all by myself in this house for the first time in 17 years.
I know it’s hard to hear, but the marriage counseling might not work out.
You need to get used to being alone.
You’re right. That was hard to hear.
- What are you doing? - That is for the kids’ trip.
Oh, come on. I’m staying at a motel.
I haven’t had a decent meal in weeks.
Honey, the marriage counseling might not work out.
You need to get used to bad cooking.
Hey. Screwdriver girl.
I took your evidence into the lab for fingerprints.
Really? That’s great.
- I’ll call you if I hear something. - Ok.
- Sorry! - Thanks.
Actually, I’d like to call you anyway if that’s ok.
Oh. You seem like a really sweet guy in an interesting line of work but I’m not really available.
- Oh. You have a boyfriend? - Yeah, sort of.
- Sort of. - It’s hard to explain. Even to myself.
Unit 23, we have a 907A in progress.
Please respond.
Ten-four. I’m on my way. I gotta go.
Apparently there’s a hostage situation.
So you’re really turning me down?
- Boy. My self-esteem can’t take this. - I’m sorry.
No, it’s just, now my ability to help those hostages has been compromised.
- Still, don’t blame yourself for what might happen. - Blame myself?
Yeah. It’s just hard to rescue folks when you don’t feel good about yourself.
Ah, they’ll probably all die anyway.
Ok, fine. I’ll go out with you.
Great. I’ll call you.
Now that you’ve got your date, you can tell me what 907A really means.
Someone’s TV was playing too loud.
Thank god for The Thin Blue Line.
I’ll call you.
I’ll be outside doing my yoga.
I’ll be right back.
Do you have to do that now? My mother’s here.
I’m not gonna stop my life just just because she decides to shows up unannounced on my add.
She’s family. She doesn’t need an invitation.
Whatever. It’s rude.
It’s real pretty, mama.
You were always good with your hands.
So, I assume you didn’t insist that I travel 2,000 miles for small talk.
So why am I here?
She...
...is unhappy.
I’ve given her everything she ever wanted, but it doesn’t seem to make a difference.
I feel her drifting further and further away.
And lately I’ve started thinking that maybe...
So you think she’s cheating on you?
I think so.
We can talk about your problems, but I’m not gonna have any of that.
Do you have any proof?
No. It’s just a feeling.
I had that feeling with your father and that whore waitress.
And I was right. Always trust your feelings.
So what do I do?
You don’t do anything.
I’ll take care of it.
Thank you, mama.
I’m sorry I had to hit you, but we’re strong people.
We don’t cry about our problems.
We find ways to fix them.
While the residents of Wisteria Lane kept up their patrols in an effort to prevent future break-ins, Lynette hatched a plan to break her children into Barcliff Academy.
Boys, wake up.
Come on. We’re gonna have some fun today.
- Come on. - Mom. Hi.
Come on! I bet you can beat me! Come on!
Go, go, go! Yes, yes, yes! Mush!
Mush! Mush! Mush!
Mom, I’m tired.
If I can still see your head, the pool’s not deep enough.
Are your boys usually so docile?
They’re always a little shy at first.
Look at that concentration.
Porter loves his puzzles.
Mama, I’ll be right back. I’m going to the store.
Gabrielle! I’m coming with you.
I want to make some tamales for Carlos.
No, I’m not going to the supermarket.
I’m going to the lingerie store.
- Good. I need some bras. - I’m gonna be a while.
I might get a facial.
I have a face.
- Hey, Mike. - How’s it going?
- Good. Just came by to say hello. - Hello.
So you remember the cop from the neighborhood watch meeting?
He agreed to run a fingerprint check on the screwdriver I found at Mrs. Frome’s house.
He did? Nothing was taken.
Still, somebody broke in. It is a crime.
So the weird thing is the cop asked me out, on a date.
And I sort of said yes.
I was just curious what you thought about that.
You’re asking my permission to go out with him?
No. No, I just uh...
was wondering your opinion.
I don’t really have one.
Ok. Great.
Fine.
- Thank you. - Susan, wait. Wait, I...
I’m sorry.
My life is just really complicated right now.
You don’t have to explain.
- Susan. - It’s complicated. I get it.
Paul? Paul?
Oh. Hi, Zachary. Sorry, the door was open and...
It’s ok. You can come in.
Is your father here? We’re scheduled to do a patrol today.
He had to go out of town. Again.
Oh. Well, I guess I can do it by myself.
Wow. This place is just immaculate.
My mom liked things clean.
She would be very proud of you.
What happened to your varnish?
That’s where my mother died.
I messed up the floor trying to get out the blood.
- I’ll tell my dad that you stopped by. - Ok.
Zach, do you have plans for dinner?
- So you shop a lot, huh? - Yeah. So?
Most women that shop a lot, it’s because they don’t have anything better to do.
- What’s your point? - Well, if you had children...
Here we go.
I’m just saying that children give your life a purpose.
You’re so busy taking care of them you don’t have time to wonder if you’re happy.
You know, Juanita, this is so like you.
I invite you on a nice shopping trip and you find ways to upset me.
You didn’t invite me. I invited myself.
You keep looking at your watch.
Is there some place you have to be?
No! And I am not one of those women who has a hole in her heart that can only be filled by a baby.
I like my life a lot. It’s very fulfilling.
Excuse my daughter-in-law. She’s very fulfilled.
So he just blew you off?
I told him another man asked me out.
It was a perfect opportunity for Mike to be jealous, and nothing.
Did you bat your eyes? It doesn’t work if you don’t bat your eyes.
I batted everything that wasn’t nailed down. Nothing.
- Thanks. - So what’s going on there?
Gophers.
I’m sorry about Mike. I know you like him.
Maybe it’s my fault.
Maybe I just imagined an entire relationship with this man that didn’t exist.
There has been flirting. I have seen it.
And the flirting made me think he was kind, trustworthy, honest and hygienic.
A guy just smiles at me three times and I’m picking out wedding china.
I’m a mess.
But to be fair, that’s part of your charm.
That’s what happened with Karl.
I only dated him a couple of months.
I filled in the blankets, I married him.
It was a disaster.
You think Mike is a Karl in disguise?
I don’t know. What does that mean anyway?
”My life is complicated.” If I wanted to sit around and wait for nothing, I could do it on the can.
You’re late. What’s with the face?
I screwed up. I broke into the Frome house and almost got caught.
What’s ”almost”?
I accidentally left something behind with my prints on it.
- Did you ever hear of gloves? - It’s the suburbs.
I didn’t think it’d matter.
Anyway, the police are running a check and I’m in the system.
I gotta pull up stakes before they come looking for me.
That’s a sweet sound. Laughter like that, huh?
Pisses me off.
If and when your cover is blown, you disappear.
Until then, you keep fixing the neighbors’ pipes.
The more time I spend at this town, the more I think we’re making a mistake.
These are nice people.
My money says one of them isn’t.
Thanks.
No more screw-ups.
I’m getting something to drink. Do you want something?
- Don’t be mad. - I waited for three hours for you.
I had to use a month’s worth of lunch money to pay for that room.
It’s not my fault.
Juanita hasn’t let me out of her sight since she got here.
Really? Well, I don’t see her now.
She’s watching her Mexican soap opera.
The rebel’s virgin daughter is about to be seduced by the escaped desperado.
So until she puts out, Juanita won’t even know that I’m gone.
Come on. I said I was sorry.
Just so you know, I’ve turned down half the pep-squad for you.
You can’t be serious.
I’m starting to think that... maybe I should be with someone my own age.
I thought teenage girls bored you, John.
I thought what we had was beyond that.
so did I.
Why go back to something you don’t want?
- I don’t know. - Maybe you’re tired of me.
No. I want to be with you.
Then why are we arguing?
- Gabrielle! - Damn it!
The virgin gave it up already?
I want you so bad.
- When can I see you again? - Tomorrow.
Meet me at the mall after school.
- What about your mother-in-law? - I’ll think of something.
- Gabrielle! Gabrielle! - Coming!
A donation? Now Barcliff wants a donation?
Apparently we’re in competition with one other family.
A generous donation will ensure our kids beat ’em out.
- How generous? - 15 thousand.
- We don’t have that. - That’s what I told them.
So what will we do? Public school is out unless we move to a new district.
We’re not moving.
Maybe it’s time that we look into home schooling.
I know you did not just say that.
Honey, it’s got its advantages.
Kids at home school do better in their later years.
They won’t make it to their later years if I have to spend all day with them.
Honey, sometimes you’ve just got to make the sacrifice.
It’s probably the best thing for the kids.
Why don’t we just put them back in me and cook them until they’re civilized.
You’d be cool with that?
I’ve never had plum pudding before.
I’m serving it for christmas.
I like to try out new recipes before the actual holiday.
That way, if the cookbook’s gotten it wrong, I can fix it.
You must really like Christmas.
You and Mr. Van de Kamp always have the best decorations.
I adore the holidays.
I never get depressed if there’s a decorated tree.
My mom and I would always decorate our tree together.
- This Christmas is gonna be weird. - Oh, Zach.
You know, my mother died when I was young. She was hit by a car.
It was right before Christmas, as a matter of fact.
We were all singing carols and the dog was howling because everybody in my family sings off-key except for me.
Anyway, it was a terrible ruckus.
So no one noticed when my mother went out to give the neighbors a gift.
The next thing we heard were brakes screeching.
Most of my family went to the hospital but I stayed home because I was so young.
When I looked out the window I saw my mother’s blood on the street and nobody was doing anything about it.
So I got a hose and I washed it off.
And once it was clean, I felt so much better.
I’ve never told anyone that story before.
Those are the most interesting ones.
The stories that we never tell anyone.
Yeah. You’re probably right.
I have one.
It’s more of a secret really.
I know why my mom killed herself.
- You do? - It was something I did.
Something bad.
What did you do, Zach?
Zach. Sweetheart.
No. I shouldn’t have said anything.
If my dad found out...
I won’t tell your father!
I can’t get you involved.
Zachary, it’s all right!
I can’t believe Zach said that.
What else did Zach tell you?
Just that Mary Alice killed herself because of something he’d done.
You couldn’t get any more out of him?
Oh, I tired, but he was so nervous.
He actually started shaking then he just left.
Ok, this is getting really weird.
I think we should go to the police.
And tell them what?
We don’t even have the note any more. We gave it to Paul.
You have to get Zach to tell you something so we have more to go on.
Girls, You don’t understand.
This poor kid is scared out of his mind.
Bree, for god’s sakes, you’re a woman.
Manipulate him. That’s what we do.
But how?
I don’t know. How did you usually manipulate Rex?
Hello, Zachary.
Are you free for dinner tonight?
Sure.
Oh, good. Because last night you put me in such a holiday mood.
I’m gonna make roast turkey and candy yams and eggnog.
Have you ever had real, old-fashioned eggnog?
- I don’t think so. - You are gonna love it.
It has quite a kick.
Mine!
- Preston! - Boys, could you stop...
Lynette was desperate to avoid home schooling.
But she saw no options on the horizon.
Until a solution sailed into view.
Gabrielle, please. You bought me enough things.
You’re the one who’s supposed to be shopping.
Mama, you’re in a rut.
We need to spice up your wardrobe. Ooh. Here.
Try this one on. Go on. Try it on.
Mama Solis, how are you doing in there?
Is it supposed to be so tight?
Yes, it’s form-fitting. You’ll look great.
Gabrielle, I don’t think this dress is right for me.
I can’t breathe.
Well, maybe I made a mistake.
While you change, I’m gonna make a quick run to the book store.
Wait! I’m coming with you!
No! I’ll just be a minute!
I’m coming with you!
Wait!
- Gabrielle! Wait! - Ma’am!
Ma’am. Sorry, I’m gonna need to look in your bags, please.
Fine. Just hurry up.
Right on time.
I don’t know where that blouse came from.
- Security. - Keep your stupid blouse.
I have to find my daughter-in-law.
Don’t touch me. Don’t you dare touch me!
Ma’am, you have to come with us.
Get your hands off me! Gabrielle!
Hello.
- Hey, it’s me. - Oh, hi, Rex. How are you?
Is something wrong?
I was just about to grab dinner from that motel vending machine and it occurred to me, ”what the heck? I’ll go out.” Would you like to have dinner with me?
Mrs. Van de Kamp. Guess what.
I found all my mom’s old Christmas stuff.
Oh. Sweetie, I was just coming over to talk to you.
I am so sorry but something important came up and I have to cancel.
- Really? - We’ll do it again.
We’ll have our impromptu holiday dinner. I promise.
Bye.
Mm. I got one. Kelly Halstatter.
In eighth grade, she used to spit in my gym shoes.
Kelly Halstatter.
Kelly Halstatter. Here, look.
Two duis, one check-kiting and an open bench warrant.
How tragic. By which I mean, ”yay”.
You’ve been a good sport coming on my shift with me.
Well, time flies when you’re on a stakeout in cracktown.
So when does our official date begin?
Taxpayers say 20 minutes. But I say now.
- They’re down. - Thank you.
Honey, you read up on home schooling?
Yeah. It gave me some good ideas.
Well, one, anyway.
Great. What have you got?
You know how we both agree that one of us needs to stay home and parent the kids and one of us needs to make a living?
And then I suddenly remembered that when I was working I made a little more than you.
What are you doing?
You tossed out that little sacrifice comment a while ago.
It occurred to me, I’ve made sacrifices over the past six years.
I gave up my career.
If another sacrifice has to be made, I think it’s your turn on the man go round.
- Lynette? - So if I went back to work, you could stay home and take care of the kids.
I can’t be with the kids all day. I’d lose my mind.
Hey. Ok, I get it. Home schooling is out.
How are we gonna scrape together 15 grand for this endowment?
Mm. How, how, how...
Think. Think real hard.
- Oh, no. - Aye-aye.
The restaurant’s run by this little old guy named Arinello.
He will propose to you. Don’t say yes because he’s dead serious.
But what if I like him?
Hey. I thought this went to the lab.
All right. You got me.
- And that means what? - Look, Susan.
No one would authorize lab time or a computer search for a case like this.
- It’s just not a priority. - So why couldn’t you just tell me that?
Well, I thought we were clicking.
Does this need to be a big deal?
Well, if you’d only lied to me about it once it wouldn’t be.
All right. I get it. You want me to beg. Ok.
Look at me. I’m begging.
Come on. Don’t be such a girl about this.
I know who you are. You’re a Karl in disguise.
I’m done with you. All of you.
Oh, come on, drama queen. What are you doing?
Where are you going? It’s not safe.
I’d rather take my chances on the street, thank you very much.
Why do I always pick the psychos?
Excuse me. I’m a little lost.
You best be lost. This here’s my corner.
Oh, yes. And a lovely corner it is.
And I hate to bother you while you’re working.
I was just wondering if you point me in the direction of a payphone?
Oh, if you have some change for this five. Preferably quarters.
Honey, if I got paid in quarters, I’d be doing something very wrong.
Right. Ok.
Thank you.
Hey. You want to use my cell? I have weekend minutes.
Thank you so much. You’re saving my life.
- Excuse me, honey. - Oh, yes. You do what you’ve got to do.
Oh, please answer. Come on. Pick up, Julie.
Oh, thank god. Don’t ask any questions.
Just get somebody down here to pick me up at the corner of Ninth and Foster.
Hey, babe.
Thank you. No. I’m on a break.
Hurry, please.
Excuse me. We got a call. Something about a break-in.
One of your neighbors was reporting seeing someone forcing his way into your home.
We sent some guys out to investigate and uh...
- What is it? - I gotta tell you, ma’am.
I thought I’d seen a lot on the job, but this is something else.
So let me get this straight.
He chopped down one of our pine trees?
I’m afraid so.
Zach, why did you do this?
- I don’t know. - Take off those handcuffs, please.
Ma’am, he confessed to breaking in.
This is not up for discussion.
Go ahead.
Sir, you can’t...
Zach.
- Are you ok? - Yeah.
Then how much for a trip around the world?
I can’t believe Julie sent you. She is soon gonna be dead.
Come on. Get in.
Wasn’t that sent in for prints?
No. The cop lied to me.
- I don’t wanna talk about it. - Just asking.
Don’t go yet. I need to talk to you.
It’s important. Please.
I married Diego Solis when I was 16 years old.
A few months into our marriage, he started to beat me.
I was so young as to but I didn’t know what to do.
Juanita, I had no idea.
It got so bad that I started praying to god to let me die.
But god, in his infinite wisdom, gave me a reason to live.
Carlos.
Ah, he was a beautiful baby.
But my husband wasn’t much of a father.
He never held him. He would yell and scream at him for no reason at all.
One night, when Carlos was four, Diego Solis came home drunk.
And he beat my Carlos.
Something inside me snapped.
At that moment, I found a way to be strong.
So I made sure that Diego Solis never hurt my son or me ever again.
What did you do?
Well, if you pray hard enough, God gives you the tools to your salvation.
Carlos said that his father left for a waitress in El Paso.
Mm-hm. That’s what he was told.
All mothers know they have to protect their children.
But some of us take our job more seriously than others.
I don’t know why you’re telling me this.
I think you do.
Ok. I know you’re mad at me.
I’m sorry I didn’t stop you from going out with that guy.
I’m not mad at you. I mean I’m not just mad at you.
I’m mostly mad at myself.
- Ok. - I’m mad that I like you so much without knowing anything about you.
Oh. What do you want to know?
- What’s your favorite food? - Mexican.
- What’s your favorite sport? - Football.
- Favorite band? - Elvis Costello.
That’s a guy, not a band.
It’s a guy with a band.
What do you think of me?
I’m sorry, could you repeat that?
- I don’t want to talk about it. - This is insane!
- Do you even care about me? - Do not talk that way!
- Mrs. Van de Kamp. - Hi, Zach.
I wanted to see if everything was all right.
- Everything’s fine. - Are you sure?
Yes.
Well, ok. I’ll see you tomorrow then.
I’m sure that you will.
People by their very nature are always on the lookout for intruders...
Trying to prevent those on the outside from getting in.
But there will always be those who force their way into our lives, just as there will be those we invite in.
But the most troubling of all will be the ones who stand on the outside looking in.
The ones we never truly get to know.