S01E15

Previously on Desperate Housewives John, you’re a toy. You and me, no future.

Once some things are said...

Remember what it’s like to work a 60-hour week?

...You can’t take them back.

No one cares as much about finding Deidre as I do.

- You shot yourself? - Pretty lame, huh?

The damage is already done.

Mom!

- You’re not taking her away from me. - Get out.

I needed you to see something.

They said they stole it from Mike’s garage.

Is that blood?

Bree Van de kamp believed in old-fashioned values.

Things like respect for god, the importance of family, and love of country.

In fact, Bree believed so strongly in her values, it was always a shock whenever she was confronted with those who didn’t.

- It’s not mine. - You promised the cheating had stopped.

Rex, You promised.

Could we not yell at each other? I’m feeling really lousy today.

I want you out of the house.

Bree, look at me. It’s not mine.

Well then, whose is it?

It didn’t just magically appear in my laundry basket.

I’m not the only guy in this house that uses that hamper.

- No! - Sorry.

Andrew’s still a child.

He’s 16. It’s not unheard of.

- Honey, you have to talk to him. - And tell him what?

Tell him that we found his condom and that he is forbidden from... You know.

I can absolutely tell him that we think he’s too young, but I don’t think it’s gonna do any good.

Well, then, the least we can do is to search his room, and if we find any more of these, we’ll confiscate them.

That will accomplish what?

Do you want to become a grandmother?

Yes, Bree believed in old-fashioned values.

But she also believed it was better to be safe than sorry.

Each new morning in suburbia brings with it a new set of lies.

Little white lies, told not to hurt...

Morning, Mrs. Petchul, you look lovely today.

...But to make life more pleasant.

They tell these lies to protect themselves and their reputations.

Oh, for god’s sake, this is unbelievable.

This is the last time I do my banking online.

Of course, every now and then, the day arrives when someone finally decides to tell the truth.

He was shot? How could you not tell us about this?

He was embarrassed. He said it was an accident.

Oh, don’t look at me like that. Accidents happen.

We know you want to trust Mike, But he had a dead woman’s jewelry in his garage.

Now did he? We don’t know that for sure.

All we know is that Lynette’s kids turned up with it.

So what are you saying, that the twins murdered Martha?

Well, I wouldn’t put it past them.

I’m saying that is about as likely as Mike having done it.

He’s a good guy. I know him.

I mean, he’s... He’s mike.

Honestly, I don’t think Mike did it either, But if we don’t call, we’re guilty of withholding evidence.

Well, you know what? If he is innocent, this should be a simple matter to clear up.

But... we will do whatever you want us to do.

Ok, call.

Shall I just dial 911?

It’s not really an emergency.

There was a murder.

Well, not recently. And I prefer not to tie up the line.

Will you just call?

My mom will be home any minute.

She’ll freak if she sees you here.

Oh, I just wanted to deliver this personally.

I’m having a party.

You know she doesn’t want us to see each other.

Well, you gotta come. I... You’re the reason I’m doing this.

I’ll try to talk to my mom, ok?

But you really gotta go.

- Hey, Mrs. Solis. - I’m sorry. Do I know you?

Yeah, I’m Justin, John’s roommate.

I’ve been waiting forever for you to show up.

- Really? Why? - I want to do you a favor.

What kind of favor?

John says that you can’t exactly afford a gardener right now, and I told him I’d be happy to do it. For free.

You want to mow my lawn for free?

Mow your lawn. Water your flowers. Trim your bushes.

I could do everything John did for you.

That’s very generous of you, but I don’t think so.

Why?

Because my husband is home quite a lot these days.

If any bush needs trimming, he takes care of it.

This is a beautiful yard.

I’m sure it could use a little extra attention.

I’m flattered, but no, thank you.

Mrs. Solis, please.

Did I mention why my husband’s home a lot?

He’s under house arrest.

He has a lot of anger toward the government right now, and he’s just dying to find someone to take it out on.

Hey, guys. This isn’t a hockey rink.

Can you take it outside?

Hi, honey. How was your day?

I didn’t get the V.P. gig.

Oh, Tom, I am so sorry.

It doesn’t make sense to me.

I’m Peterson’s ”go-to guy”.

So how does Tim Duggan, the biggest blowhard in the office, get promoted to vice president over me?

I thought you liked Tim Duggan?

I do. I just... I don’t know, I just, I really wanted that promotion.

Hey, boys, can you please take the Stanley Cup finals outside.

Did you tell Mr. Peterson that you wanted the job?

I have worked at that firm for 8 1/2 years.

Duggan’s been there for less than two. I am not gonna beg.

I’m not saying to beg.

You just have to step up from time to time.

You have to see your opportunity and take it.

Nobody respects a shrinking violet.

There is more than one, you know, leadership style.

Mine is quiet but... Effective.

Take that racket outside!

Whatever works for you.

Susan!

Hey, sexy. Where you been?

I called you twice. You avoiding me?

Don’t be silly. Why would I do that?

No, I’ve been really busy grocery shopping.

For two days? You must be pretty well stocked.

How about dinner tonight?

Dinner... Tonight? Um...

You ok?

Can you hold these a sec?

Up against the car!

You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you do say can be used against you in a court of law.

You have the right to consult an attorney...

So get this.

Zach Young’s throwing a pool party saturday night.

He sent out a bunch formal invitations.Complete with fancy lettering.

I’m surprised he didn’t spritz them with aftershave.

What is wrong with nice invitations?

Mom, it’s a pool party.

Why couldn’t he have just passed out flyers in the quad.

’Cause he’s genetically incapable of being cool.

So, uh... Are you going?

Uh... Maybe.

I mean, um, Lisa and Justin and some of the guys thought it’d be fun to swim.

We can always bail if it’s lame as we think it’s going to be..

Oh, is, um, Lisa your friend with the pierced navel?

Yeah.

You’ve been spending a lot of time together lately. Haven’t you?

I guess.

Oh, uh, Andrew, I’m gonna want you home by 11 on saturday.

11? Mom, it’s not even a school night!

Bree, a curfew isn’t gonna do any good.

You may be able to abdicate all your parental responsibility, But I cannot.

What... What’s going on here?

Was this have to do with the condom you left in my room?

As a matter of fact, it does. And just so we’re clear, if you get Lisa pregnant, you will marry her.

Andrew, this is not funny.

Mom, trust me. This is very funny.

Mostly because the condom wasn’t mine.

You suck, you know that?

So obviously we need to talk.

I’m still a virgin, if that’s what you want to know.

Well, good.

But why on earth would you need a condom?

Because I’m planning on having sex and not want to get pregnant.

Danielle, you are president of the abstinence club.

I wasn’t planning on running for a second term.

Who were you planning on having sex with?

John.

John Rowland. I thought you broke up with him.

No. He broke up with me.

You want to know why, because I wouldn’t do it.

If that’s the type of boy he is, then good riddance.

Mom, every boy at my school is that type of boy.

And besides, it’s different with John.

I love him.

Sweetheart, just because you give a boy sex doesn’t mean you’ll get love in return.

So maybe I’m being stupid.

What’s the big deal? It’s just sex.

I am looking over for your happiness.

I understand what it’s like to be young and feel urges.

But I waited until I got married. As did your father.

And it was so much better.

But daddy ended up cheating on you.

Yes. Well...

And ever since he moved back, you’ve been miserable.

Why would you say that?

The walls between our bedrooms are paper thin.

I hear more stuff than I probably should.

Look, mom, I love you a lot, But you really are the last person ever to give anyone advice about sex and happiness.

Have you seen these? Five more past due notices.

Don’t worry, I’m handling it.

How are you handling it?

Can I please finish my sandwich?

Have you seen our account? We’re broke.

We have the mortgage payment coming up...

we have property taxes, we have...

Gaby, it’s gonna be ok.

No, it’s not. We are seriously screwed.

And I am freaking out that you’re not freaking out.

- Look, things will turn around. - When?

I don’t know when.

But we’re lucky people. And we’ll be lucky again.

- What is that? - It’s the lawn mower.

We got a new gardener today.

It won’t cost us a cent. The kid’s a friend of John’s.

- Carlos... - And he said he’d do the lawn for free.

Can you believe it? We are lucky people.

Hey, guys, good to see you again.

Don’t look so glum. You’ll get a hit.

Oh, it’s not that.

This is my ”hating Tim Duggan” look.

Oh, Duggan connects.

There!

Look at that job-stealing bastard run.

Duggan is really showing some of that glory-hounding, Ass-kissing hustle that he is so well-known for.

I forgot how much fun you are when you’re bitter.

Look, he’s stretching for extra bases.

Just like he stretched for extra territory, screwing over unsung utility player, Tom Scavo.

Oh! Down goes Duggan.

Duggan goes down. That’s gotta hurt.

Oh, Lord! Hound is tagged out, and now he’s gonna have to deal with some tough dirt stains, that Tim Duggan.

Tom...

No, I’m sure he’s just grandstanding.

Oh, my god!

Holy crap!

It’s only a pool party. Everyone is going to be there.

I said no.

What are you goning to do?

Keep a boy-free zone around me until I’m 18?

You can see boys, in a couple years, just not that boy.

Why do you hate Zach?

I don’t hate Zach. I just think he’s sort of crazy.

Mom, I’ve heard people call you ”sort of crazy”.

Well, I’m adorable crazy. And he’s rampage crazy.

- Susan Mayer? - Yeah?

I’m detective Copeland, investigating the murder of Martha Huber.

I need to talk to you about Mike Delfino.

Do you remember seeing Mr. Delfino on the 7th of last month?

Is the 7th important?

We believe it was the night that Martha Huber was murdered.

She was last seen at the grocery store at nine.

She didn’t show for a dentist appointment the next morning.

- What day was that? - It was a sunday.

Oh! Oh, my god! Yes!

Yes! yes!

Yes, I... I was with Mike that night.

- You’re sure? - Yes. I was.

It was a big night, first relationship-wise.

It was the first time that we...

- The first time you...? - Did it.

The first time they did it.

- Julie! - It was.

- How did you know? - I’m not clueless.

I found men’s boxers in the clothes hamper.

Don’t write that down.

This is good. You can let Mike go. He is innocent.

Assuming everything you’re telling me is true.

It’s true.

The next morning she made pancakes in the shape of little hearts.

Seriously, little hearts.

Oh, god!

Justin. What are you doing up here?

Uh... I finished the hedges.

Is there anything else Mr. Solis wants done?

I don’t know. He’s not here. He had a meeting with his lawyer.

So I guess that means we’re all alone.

No. That means I’m all alone. You’re leaving.

I’m not in a hurry.

Come on, we could hang out for a while.

I don’t think so.

Come on. If you just got to know me, you’d see I can be lots of fun.

All my friends say so.

I’m not interested in becoming one of your friends.

Get out of my bedroom.

Come on, mrs. Solis. Be nice.

You shouldn’t have done that.

Do you know how easy it would be for me to tell my husband what you tried to do?

Not as easy as it’d be for me to tell him about you and John.

I... I’m sorry, Mrs. Solis, but you’re gonna have to be nice to me, at least once.

Mike!

Mike! Are you ok?

Uh... Yeah. Yeah. I’m a little bit embarrassed.

Must be the talk of the neighborhood.

No. Not really. No.

So guess what? I’m your alibi.

I told the police that we were together the night Mrs. Huber was killed.

And that I could never forget that night.

You don’t think I killed Mrs. Huber?

No! No, of course not.

I could never think you killed anybody, even if I wasn’t your alibi, which I am.

Ok. I’m, um, I’m gonna go take a shower.

Jail’s kinda gross.

I’ll call you later. Ok?

Sure. When?

Later. I just got some stuff I gotta take care of. Ok?

Ok.

- Mrs. Van de kamp. - Hello, John.

I’m sorry to drop by unannounced. Do you have a moment?

Sure.

So... What can I do for you?

Well, I tell you, my daughter is planning on giving you her virginity and I would consider it a personal favor if you wouldn’t take it.

So what’s the word on Tim?

He came through the triple bypass with flying colors.

Thank god.

It’s not all coming up roses.

He’s not gonna be able to come back to work for four-and-a-half months.

What?

Company still needs to expand, I figure that they need a fit, heart-smart guy like me to step up, take the ball.

You’re going after his promotion?

No. I already got it.

You should have seen me.

I walked straight into Peterson’s office and told him he would be a fool to hold Duggan’s promotion.

- You called your boss a fool? - I did.

That was risky in retrospect.

But still he gave me the job.

- Oh, my god. That’s great. - Honey, it’s me.

I got the whole west coast.

Oh, my... What? What the whole west coast?

I thought you were going after an in-house position.

No. I’m setting up new offices from Seattle to LA. I told you that.

No.

No, you didn’t.

Ok. Well, so it’s gonna be a little bit more travel, but...

More travel?

Tom, you’re barely here half the time as it is.

Now you’re gonna have, what, twice the workload?

Honey, please don’t ruin this.

You should have consulted with me.

I did! You told me to stop being a shrinking violet.

I thought this was an in-house position.

Ok, I’m gonna go shower.

Look, wait. Wait. I know what this means to you.

No, you don’t. No, you don’t.

I am 41 years old.

If I don’t make vice president now, it’s never gonna happen.

This is my career. It’s important to me.

So was mine. But I’m here, aren’t I?

I’m gonna take the job.

She said you broke up with her because she refused to have sex.

Wow! um... Ok, here’s the deal.

I said that. But it was just an excuse.

I mean, the truth is, I wasn’t that into her.

Really?

She was always so proud of never having done it, I figured, ”hey, this is my way out.” Well, she feels very passionately about you.

Don’t get me wrong. She’s nice.

But the truth is, there’s someone else.

Oh, are you going steady?

Not exactly. We were seeing each other pretty regularly, but this other lady... Girl, she sort of dumped me.

Oh, I see.

Look, I’ll talk to Danielle and don’t worry, I’ll let her down gently.

Um, actually, I would prefer if you didn’t.

I know my daughter. She’s very determined.

Unless you’re really firm with her, she’ll think there’s hope.

Ok. I’ll be firm.

Better still, be brutal.

Decided to indulge your sweet tooth?

I’ll be dead inside a year.

I’ve got bigger things to worry about than my waistline.

So, who’s the woman they think you killed?

Martha Huber. Local busybody.

I thought her murder was random.

Nothing random about her jewelry ending up in your garage.

Did you kill her?

No. Whoever set me up did a good job.

The cops are all over me.

You’re getting close to something.

If I am close, I don’t see it.

People leave trails.

One of those trails will lead to Deidre.

Whoever set you up must know that.

Maybe, but I won’t be much good to you locked up.

I’m rich, Mike. One of the best things about being rich is the security of knowing you can buy your way out of any problem.

I’m not taking my money to the grave.

I’m gonna use it to save your ass.

- Mrs. Solis? - Hello, Justin.

What are you doing here?

I am here to talk to your roommate.

John? I didn’t think you guys talked any more.

Well, now we have something to talk about. You.

- Me? - Yes.

How you’re trying to blackmail me into sleeping with you.

- I wonder how he’ll react. - Mrs. Solis...

You think he’ll get violent?

- You can’t talk to John about that. - Oh, I can.

And I will, you little worthless piece of crap.

Listen, Mrs. Solis, I’m sorry.

I didn’t want to blackmail you.

Then why did you?

I really needed to sleep with you.

- Why? - Because...

I think I might be gay.

Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!

What’s up?

The boys knew you wouldn’t be home till after, um, bedtime, and so we decided to pop in and visit the new V.P.

Check it out. I finally got an office with a window. Huh?

Yeah. It’s all about the window.

Hey, guys. Hey, who wants chair rides?

- Me! Me! Me! - Out this way. Here we go.

Here we go, guys. Ready?

Hold on.

Checking out the new executive digs?

Oh, you know it.

- Can I tell you a little secret? - Sure.

Dan wanted to hold the promotion over for Tim Duggan.

And I’m the one that convinced him to give it To tom.

- Really? - Uh-huh.

Tom is such a workhorse and he wanted it so badly.

Yeah, he certainly did.

What is wrong? Aren’t you happy about this promotion?

Lynette realized it was best to lie to the boss’s wife...

Well, it’s great.

Obviously. Thank you.

...Provided she wasn’t too convincing.

Of course, I mean, I will... miss him being gone all the time.

He’ll be bringing in more money, but he is gonna miss the birthdays, baseball games, first steps.

But that’s the trade-off. Right?

I just hope one day Tom doesn’t look back and regret being gone so much.

Oh, I better get out there before they break something.

- Of course. I will see you soon. - Ok.

So, have you been acting on these feelings?

I got a buddy. We get together.

Mess around. But it’s no big deal.

It’s just lately, I’ve been starting to care about him and...

and I don’t know how to handle it.

And I thought if I sleep with somebody like you, I’ll know for sure and I can stop freaking out about this.

But why me? You’re a good-looking kid.

Why not test drive someone your own age?

Girls talk. If I start something with somebody and it doesn’t... work out, Everyone at school will find out.

And I figured I can trust you, cause you have a husband and all.

Well, I guess that makes sense in a weird sort of way.

You know, my buddy and I have been messing around for quite a while, and this whole time I kept telling myself that it didn’t really mean anything, you know?

Guess I’ve been kidding myself, huh?

We’re all in denial about something.

But you’re finally facing the truth, and I think that’s sort of brave.

- Thanks. - I should probably go.

Uh... Just so you know, I never would have told Mr. Solis about you and John.

I may be gay but I’m not a jerk.

Did you feel anything?

Not really.

You’re definitely gay.

Hi. I’m sorry to bother you at night, but I was hoping that you could come to the station to answer more questions.

Now? Well, I’m sorry, my daughter and I were gonna go see a movie tonight.

Mom? We can do it another night. I’ll be fine.

- Uh, let me get my purse. - Great.

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

I won’t be late.

- Bye. - Bye.

You said that Mike came to your house around 10 p.m. on the night of the seventh.

Um, am I supposed to talk into the camera or...

No. Just talk to me.

Ok. Uh, yes. He came over around ten o’clock.

Do you know of any tension, uh, between Mike and Martha Huber?

No.

Were you aware Mike was shot recently?

Yes, on Valentine’s Day.

Do you know how that came about?

He dropped his gun, cleaning it.

Ms Mayer, I’ve been around guns for years.

I’ve never seen one discharge when it hits the ground.

Someone has to pull the trigger.

I wouldn’t know about that.

Were you aware there was a home invasion on Pine Avenue the day before Valentine’s?

No.

The intruder was shot in the stomach.

Where was Mike’s wound?

The stomach.

Do you love him?

What?

What does that have to do with...?

Sometimes people do stupid things when they’re in love.

I should know. I’ve been married four times.

Tell me the truth. He wasn’t with you that night.

- He asked you to lie for him. - No, he didn’t.

He was with me. And Mike wouldn’t kill anybody.

I’m sure of that.

Mike Delfino, convicted 1987, did five-and-a-half years for drug trafficing and manslaughter.

You want a coffe? I’m gonna go for a coffe.

Is she covering for her guy?

No. She’s just a sucker.

I guess no one’s in the pool yet. Are you gonna swim?

Please, I just spent an hour blowing out my hair.

Good luck, man.

I’ll... I’ll see you later. Ok?

Ok.

Hey, I got a surprise for you.

You wanna go somewhere and talk?

Yeah. We should talk.

Hi. You made it.

Andrew’s here. Didn’t think he’d come.

Yeah, he brought his friends.

They’re acting like total jerks. Alert the media.

I don’t care. You’re here now. This is gonna be great.

Come on, man. Let’s go.

- Danielle! - Don’t touch me!

Hope you can swim.

- Can you possibly take it easy? - It’s cool, man.

Look, he floats.

All right? Relax. It’s a party.

You’re the main party animal, right?

Am I right?

I guess.

All right! Well, then act like it.

Come on, give me a howl.

Come on. You’re the host. Revel in it. Gimme a howl.

There you go.

You ok?

What do I care? He’s nothing.

I could take care of him if I wanted to.

How do you mean?

I know where my mom kept her gun.

That’s not funny, Zach.

If you think about it, yeah, it is.

Julie!

Hey! Danielle, are you ok?

I just want to go home. Can we go?

Sure.

Julie!

I’m taking Danielle home.

- Are you coming back? - I don’t think so.

So, how was the P.T.A. Meeting?

Long.

So, Peterson called me into his office today.

Really?

Yeah. He, uh, he changed his mind.

He’s gonna hold that promotion for Duggan.

Yeah. It’s, it’s fine.

I’m glad, really.

I didn’t want to work those long hours.

And you know how I hate flying.

It does horrible things to my back.

With all that extra stress, I would have ended up like Tim Duggan ten years from now. So...

Yeah. Of course.

So it’s... It’s over.

You’ll make V.P. One of these days.

It’s ok. Honest.

I am, uh... really glad that it worked out this way.

Ok.

Oh, god. You scared me.

How’d it go?

It went just peachy.

And humiliating and shocking.

- Susan... - How could you?

God, ”Susan, do you trust me?” ”Of course I do”.

Oh, I’m such an idiot! And you’re such a liar.

Oh, and apparently a killer and a drug dealer.

That’s quite a personal ad you’ve got going!

- I came to Wisteria Lane... - Stop, Mike!

Just stop!

If you keep talking, you’re gonna work your way into my heart, and I just don’t want you anywhere near my heart.

Ever.

Julie?

Mommy needs a hug.

Julie?

Is Julie in there? Julie Mayer?

I don’t know. It’s pretty dead in there.

Julie Alexandra Mayer!

Oh, Julie! Zach, this is ridiculous.

You can’t hold your breath for ever!

You might as well stay under there and never come up for air, ’cause when you do, I’m gonna choke the living daylights out of you!

Is my daughter under there?

I’m not... I’m not gay!

Oh... I... Ok. I... I’m sorry.

Uh, I’ll just... I’m just gonna leave those right there.

I’m fine. It’s good. You just, you know...

Did you see...? No! Goodbye.

Sell the house? Are you crazy?

Carlos, we can’t afford to live here any more.

If the lawyer gets the justice department to unfreeze the bank accounts...

Then what? Huh?

We have tons of legal bills.

And even with our savings, we’re screwed.

But...

It’s our house.

I love this place too. It’s just...

It’s time for us to face the music.

I never thought I’d be poor at this stage of my life.

You know, Carlos, I’ve been broke a lot of times in my life.

But I’ve never been poor.

Because poor is just a state of mind.

And right now, you and I are just...

Without funds?

Exactly.

I guess we could get an apartment, start over.

Who knows? It might even be fun.

And once we’re back on our feet, we’ll get a house as big as this one.

Bigger.

I get my wife this dog for her birthday.

Stray from the pound.

Cheapest gift I’ve ever gotten her.

She loves it. So I’m a genius, right?

Then I find out it’s got this weird blood disease.

Now I’m laying out $ 600 a month for doggie medicine. Am I a genius?

Don’t be cynical. You did something nice.

You made your wife happy.

Now, let’s talk about what’s gonna make you happy.

Yes, each new day in suburbia brings with it a new set of lies.

The worst are the ones we tell ourselves before we fall asleep.

We whisper them in the dark, telling ourselves we’re happy.

Or, that he’s happy.

That we can change.

Or that he will change his mind.

We persuade ourselves we can live with our sins...

...Or that we can live without him.

Yes, each night before we fall asleep we lie to ourselves, in the desperate, desperate hope, that come morning, it will all be true.