S01E14

Turns out someone hurt her, I want them dead.

Sometimes...

I’m running out of money.

In a couple of weeks I’m gonna be screwed.

In that case, you might wanna think about looking for a job.

The answers...

If you could just tell me what he told you and then I can fix the problem.

I can’t do that.

...to life’s biggest questions...

I had the nightmare again.

What do you think the significance of the name Angela is?

Actually, that’s my real name.

...are buried...

She’s not been dead a month and it’s like you’ve totally forgotten she never existed.

...under even bigger lies.

Zach was telling Julie about what happened to Dana.

He didn’t mean to kill Dana.

Most mothers will tell you their children are a gift from god.

Most mothers will also tell you that the gifts their children give them are less than heavenly.

Lynette had suffered through artwork made in kindergarten...

...spice racks made in summer camp...

...and jewelry made at the scout jambore.

But this day...

...Lynette Scavo received a gift every mother dreams of.

One she wasn’t embarrassed to display.

- Where did you guys get this pot? - We made it.

Really? I love it.

Well, this is the nicest present you boys have ever given me.

And you know what? I’m going to put it out on the front porch the whole neighborhood can enjoy it.

Lynette knew she’d cherish the memory of that moment for the rest of her life.

The memory of that moment was ruined the very next day.

Mrs. Mccluskey, why are you taking my flower pot?

Because it’s mine.

Your boys stole it off my porch.

No, no, no. My sons made that for me for Valentine’s Day!

I bought this in Costa Rica on my last cruise. You see?

It’s still got the price tag on it. Look.

What? Nothing more to say? Cat got your tongue?

You listen to me, keep your brats off my property.

Yes, most mothers will tell you their children are a gift from god.

Most mothers will also tell you there are some days when you wish you could return them.

It was the day before Valentine’s Day and every man on Wisteria Lane was preparing for this most dangerous of holidays.

While some purchased romantic cards...

...and some brought home candy and flowers...

and some made dinner reservations at fancy restaurants...

...others managed to forget about the day entirely... again.

This flurry of activity was lost on the women of Wisteria Lane.

They were busy learning a secret about their neighbors.

A secret that was positively heartbreaking.

So Paul said that Zachary killed Dana?

Yeah.

Well, it must have been an accident.

I mean, little boys don’t just kill their baby sisters Well, whatever it was, that boy is seriously disturbed, and I’ve forbidden Julie from hanging out with him.

Could you hold her?

So this is it.

This is the secret that Mary Alice was trying to protect.

Think of the guilt that she must have lived with.

You know, I never thought I’d say this, but I kind of feel sorry for Paul.

I wish I could. I still feel like something’s not right.

- What do you mean? - Well, we’ve all been in their house.

Have you ever seen a picture of another kid there?

I mean, why keep Dana’s baby blanket and throw out all the photos?

That’s a good point.

We never answered why did Mary Alice refer to herself as ”Angela” in that therapy session?

All I know is this – Mary Alice loved Zach more than anything in the world.

When you love a child that much...

you’re capable of doing all sorts of things.

Yeah.

Hello? These were delivered to my house by mistake. May I?

They’re for Mary Alice Young.

Oh, my god.

I, uh... had a standing order with the florist.

I... forgot to cancel it.

Mary Alice was my wife.

She passed away a few months ago.

I’m very sorry for your loss.

And I’m sorry for yours.

- Pardon? - Your sister? Martha?

Oh... Yes... Her.

Good lord, that’s Angela.

What?

Angela Forrest. We worked together in Utah.

It must be 15 years ago.

I’m afraid you’re mistaken. My wife’s name was Mary Alice.

She’s... never been to Utah.

Well, I could be mistaken.

As I said, it’s... it’s been years.

No, Mickey, you’re wrong. I wasn’t acting like a diva.

I left the boat show because that coordinator was making passes at me.

I mean, it’s not my fault. Yao Lin, you missed a spot.

No, spare me the lecture and just book me another job, quick.

Carlos and I are up to our asses in bills and we can’t pay ’em.

Fine. Bye.

- What did you say? - Nothing.

Are you going to clean that spot?

- Which one? - The one I told you to clean.

I’ll get to it.

Clean it now.

- Why? - Because I said so.

Ok. But you got to say please.

Fine. Please.

Anything to get you back on your knees scrubbing where you belong.

- You’re not better than me. - Excuse me?

The only reason you have anything in your life is because you’re pretty.

One day you’ll be old and when that happens, you’ll be nothing.

You are so fired.

No kidding.

Ooh, Valentine’s Day card. It’s pretty.

And meticulously hand-painted.

Whoever sent you that must really love you.

- And be loaded with talent. - It’s beautiful. Thanks.

So are we still on for tomorrow night?

Oh, not only are we on, I got reservations at Le Petit Fleur.

Ooh, that place is so pretentious.

I’ve been dying to go there.

Boys? Get your little fannies inside.

Guys?

Oh, poor, Lynette. If she doesn’t get a new nanny soon, - She’s gonna implode. - Shh.

Hey, guys. Who you hiding from?

- Our mom. - She wants to spank us.

Why, did you do something bad?

Well, if you hide out too long, she’ll get worried.

Then she’ll get madder.

You know what I say? Go on home. Take your lumps.

There’s a decent chance you’ll have the rest of day to play.

Come on, climb aboard.

- Pretty impressive. - Well, I love kids.

Can’t wait to have my own some day.

We don’t want to get spanked.

Yeah, we promise we’ll be good.

Too late. You stole. And then you lied.

Even worse, you made me look bad in front of Mrs. Mccluskey, who you know is mommy’s sworn enemy.

Time to pick your poison.

How about a belt? It’s a classic.

Well, we could go with the old hickory stick.

It’s a clich but it’s pretty effective.

I know. We’ll go with the spatula.

The holes give it less wind resistance.

Moves faster.

No! No, no, no, no.

Guys! Hey, my hands are tied.

Thieves get spanked.

Just the way it works.

- Unless... - Unless what?

For a first time offence, if you swear, cross your heart, that you will never, never steal again, and you write Mrs. Mccluskey a letter of apology, I will let it slide.

- Ok! - Yeah! We swear.

All right, start with ”Dear Mrs. Mccluskey...” Mommy? Why are you smiling?

Do you know what ”psychological warfare” means?

- No. - Well, too bad for you.

Ok, start with a big ”m”, ”c”...

Good.

Rex and I are hosting a dinner party for ten next week.

We’re using our best china and serving duck.

So, you and Rex are a couple again?

Yes. You know, that’s one of things I hated most about our separation, not being able to throw dinner parties.

There’s just something so civilized and elegant about them, don’t you think?

I take it you’ve resolved your feelings about his infidelity?

Let’s just say I’ve put them in an imaginary box and don’t plan on looking at them for a while.

Do you think that it is the healthiest way to achieve a reconciliation?

Well, it won’t be easy at first.

There’ll be a lot of forced smiles and perfunctory love-making, but after a few decades whiz by, I’m sure I’ll find a way to forgive him.

Well, as long as you have a plan.

I do want to forgive him, Dr. Goldfine.

but... there’s something he’s still not telling me.

Really?

I think it has something to do with why he had the affair.

- Have you confronted him? - Once.

You should have seen the look in his eyes.

He was terrified I’d figure it out.

You know what it is, don’t you?

Bree, I can’t discuss other patients.

I realize that.

This thing that he’s hiding... Is it bad?

Oh, ok, um... Uh...

Maybe it’s better that I don’t know.

Bree, how does this reconciliation have a chance if the two of you can’t be honest about the innermost parts of your lives?

We’re, um... W.A.S.P. S, Dr. Goldfine.

Not acknowledging the elephant in the room is what we do best.

You’d settle for that?

A life filled with repression and denial?

And the dinner parties. Don’t forget the dinner parties.

And, uh, over there you got your Queens and, uh...

your Quad spring series, and your Deluxe 1000s, all the way to the imperial paradise. Sweet racket, huh?

I swear sometimes I wake up in the morning and I can’t believe I’m the Siesta king.

Except for how I am.

Very impressive.

So, where does the photographer want me for the shoot?

Uh, didn’t your agent tell you? There’s no shoot.

Well, then what did you hire me for?

You’ve heard the expression ”sex sells”?

That’s why you are coming.

You’re here to remind people there’s a lot of fun things they can do on a Siesta King mattress that don’t involve sleep. Get it?

It is often said that good fences make good neighbors.

But as Lynette was about to discover, the fence might just need a little barbed wire if the neighbor is Mrs. Mccluskey.

What do you think you are doing? Get out of here.

Your little criminals snuck into my house and stole my wall clock.

What?

It was a hand-painted, purple and white wall clock.

My son made it.

You sure you didn’t misplace it? You are getting up in years.

No offence, but you probably forget where you put things.

No offence, but you should be sterilized.

Look! My boys do not break into people’s houses.

Sure, they may have stolen your flowerpot.

But you know they apologized for that.

They wrote a note.

That’s the coward’s way out.

They should come over and apologize in person.

You know what? This has been fun. But now...

You let those boys run wild.

Toys all over the yard, bikes out in the street.

It’s a disgrace.

Get out of my house!

Those boys would’ve been better off raised by wolves.

God knows they would have been cleaner.

Valentine’s Day is tomorrow.

I know. I already bought your gifts.

Roses and English toffee?

Mm-hm. Just like always.

Yes. And I suppose we’ll make love tomorrow night, too.

That is our little tradition.

Good. I’m looking forward to it.

Are you looking forward to it?

What?

Well, just that I know that I don’t...

Please you sexually, so I was wondering if you really were looking forward to being with me.

Oh, for god’s sake.

I’m sorry. Rex.

I thought I could pretend that this doesn’t upset me anymore.

- But I can’t. - Please, don’t do this.

You had an affair, you went to another woman for sex to give you something I couldn’t.

At least tell me what that something is.

- Bree, I can’t. - Why not?

Rex, please tell me.

Let me prove to you how much I love you.

I like to be dominated.

Huh?

Sexually.

- Huh? - Never mind.

Rex, please, I want to understand.

Mistress, no.

- Quiet, slave. - Yes, mistress.

- Turn your head. Don’t look at me. - Mistress...

On your knees, now. Right now. Tighten your cuff.

- Yes, mistress. - Do it now. Head down.

Ow, yes, ow. Yes.

Put it in your mouth.

Yes, mistress, yes Well?

- What the hell did your mother do to you? - What?

This just reeks of unresolved childhood trauma.

It has nothing to do with my mother.

Bree, this is a preference.

It’s a perversion.

For god’s sake. You promised to be supportive.

What do you want me to say?

My husband wears metal clamps around his nipples, hooray?

I want you to try it. Just... just once.

Try what? Hurting you? You actually want me to hurt you?

So, I can feel pleasure, yes.

Fine.

So, was it good for you, too?

Mike wants babies.

- What? - He wants to have kids.

He had that look men get that says, ”I’m ready to procreate, point me to the nearest cervix”.

And this is a problem?

Oh, I can’t have another baby.

I’m so grateful I had you, I don’t regret a minute of that.

But I... found it to be completely overwhelming.

Sometimes I even wonder how I got through it.

You and me both.

So, have you told Mike how you feel?

Oh, I can’t tell him. This could be a deal-breaker.

Julie, I really love him. I don’t want to lose him.

Maybe you’re overreacting.

I bet he’d rather have you than a baby.

What if he doesn’t?

Then that’s something you need to know.

Susan shouldn’t have been so worried.

Children were the last thing on Mike’s mind.

He was too busy searching for answers in all the wrong places.

Please, just...

You got lucky. Didn’t hit anything major.

Noah’s getting impatient.

You can tell Noah I’m getting closer.

- That’s her, isn’t it? - Yeah.

Hard to believe a kid from such a good family could get so messed up.

I met somebody who recognized her photo.

Thinks she rented a room on Pine Avenue.

I was checking out houses when...

Hey, Mike, it’s me. Are you there? Pick up. Hello?

Ok, I know you’re home. Your lights are on.

Look, I really need to talk to you about something.

You know what? I’ll just gonna stop by.

I’m here. Ow!

- Are you ok? - Yeah.

Yeah, I just, uh... stubbed my toe.

So, can I come over?

I really need to talk to you about something.

Actually I got a buddy over here right now, um...

Can you wait till dinner tomorrow?

It’s... kind of important.

Um... Yeah, I guess I can wait.

- Ok, see you at seven? - I’m counting the minutes.

You should take it easy for the next few days.

I can’t cancel.

The last thing I need is for her to get suspicious.

Maybe it’s my dementia, but I still haven’t found my purple wall clock.

Nobody in my family knows or cares where your stupid clock is.

And by the way, would you tell your little criminals to get their bikes out of the street.

- Oh, I’ll get it. - No. Don’t you dare.

We’ll move it when you say please.

Please.

Ok, Ly... Ly... Lynette... Let’s not get crazy.

Even though it was Mrs. Mccluskey who had officially declared war, it was Lynette who decided to deliver the opening salvo.

- You’ll clean that up! - Think so?

Yes.

Yes, the war of Wisteria Lane would indeed prove to be messy for everyone involved.

Pardon me? Pardon me?

We were wondering what the coil count is on this one.

Oh. Sorry.

What is this?

People keep coming and talking to me, asking me questions.

That is not my job.

Well, you don’t have to be rude.

I am not a mattress salesperson.

Is there something wrong with being a mattress salesperson?

Is it beneath you or something?

Honestly? Yes. I’m a model.

You know what, your agent warned me that you were a diva.

And he was right.

You won’t talk to the customers, you bitch about coffee, and you wouldn’t even chip in for Hazel’s birthday cake.

I just met the woman today.

That didn’t stop you from having a piece.

I’m sorry.

But I don’t want someone around my store that’s not a team player.

- Oh, no. Wait. - You’re fired, princess.

No...

I need to know if my policy covers it.

No, my car actually wasn’t involved.

It was my neighbor’s car... but the egg was mine.

Aha. Well, can I speak to your supervisor?

Honey? Can you come out here?

What?

Look what I found stashed in the boys’ playhouse.

Please tell me that’s not a purple wall clock.

Pack your bags, we’re moving.

Discouraged over losing her job, Gabrielle decided a makeover would be the perfect cure for her depression.

It was after finding a moisturizer she couldn’t afford that it finally occurred to Gabrielle...

...perhaps it was her pride that needed a makeover.

Excuse me, Miss?

You forgot to give me my receipt.

Oh. Right. Uh, oh... here.

Here we go. Thank you. Come again.

Mrs. Solis?

Oh, god...

Hello.

Hello, Yao Lin.

- How are you? - Good. Very good.

I wanted to call you.

I felt terrible about how we left things.

- I need lipstick. - Ok, but...

Now.

You must be loving this. Huh?

Having me serve you must be a dream come true.

Can’t complain.

That’s the difference between you and me, Yao Lin, our dreams.

Close your eyes, please.

Thank you.

You see, I dreamed of pulling myself up from nothing, and I did.

I dreamed about things I wanted, and I got them all.

A high powered career, a handsome husband, an extravagant house.

So this is just a blip on the radar for me.

Because now I know what I’m capable of.

And if I did it once, I can do it again.

I’m never really down, Yao Lin.

Even when it looks like I am.

So, enjoy this moment, enjoy your dream.

’cause for you, it doesn’t get any better than this.

There. Don’t you look beautiful?

Right this way.

- Everything ok? - This dress is just riding up.

If I walk any faster, it’ll be happy Valentine’s Day for everyone.

Especially me.

Thank you.

Excuse me, Miss?

I’m so sorry! Is... is everyone ok?

Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.

- Oh, ma’am, your napkin. - Don’t even think about it.

Oh... It’s so wonderful, what you wrote. Thank you.

Ok, I’m not gonna be any type of company until I get something off of my chest.

Do you remember the other day when you said that you wanted to have kids?

Here’s the thing.

I don’t think I’m ready to have another baby.

I think we need to have a serious conversation.

Uh... sure.

- I’m not going over there. - Yes, you are.

No. I can deal with the humiliation of boring around returning everything the boys stole, but please, don’t make me apologize to that woman.

This is being a good neighbor.

Finding ways of getting along instead of, you know, hurling an egg at them.

Why don’t I have to apologize?

Why don’t we just go, ”Now we’re even”, and start from scratch?

If the ”pleasant human being” argument doesn’t fly, we’ll try self-preservation.

What if she wakes up, the house is on fire.

You don’t want her to call 911?

If our house catches fire, I guarantee she’s the one that started it.

Ok, my point is, the day will come when we need her help.

And I don’t want her not to help us just because of some silly feud.

- Fine. I’ll do it. - Wow. Thank you.

You know, whomever came up with model ”love thy neighbor” clearly live nowhere near Karen Mccluskey.

Yes, well, on Valentine’s Day, the only motto that really matters is, you know, ”love thy husband”.

Really? I recall no such motto.

I understand why you would want to have kids, but that chapter in my life is just closed.

I don’t think I can go back there.

And so, you know, given the way I feel and given the way I think you feel...

Oh, god. You’re not taking this well.

Well. Oh, I was afraid of this.

What?

I gotta go.

What?

I’m sorry.

I don’t believe this. You’re leaving without even trying to talk me into having your baby?

I mean. How do you know I wouldn’t cave?

I always cave. I...

Mike?

- Good night. - Night.

So, how does this... domination thing work?

So there’s nothing to be afraid of.

Mostly, we’ll just be constructing simple scenarios and acting them out.

So, it’s like we’re in a little play.

Sort of.

And if things get too rough, we’ll have a control word.

If one of us says it, the other backs off immediately.

Ok. So what’s our control word?

Well, lately I’ve been using ”Philadelphia”.

What’s wrong?

It’s that my Aunt Fern lives in philadelphia.

I don’t want to think about her, while I’m spanking you with a leather strap.

Ok. Fine. You pick a control word.

Um... How about ”Boise”?

- ”Boise”? - What’s the matter with ”Boise”?

We’re gonna be doing psychological role-playing here, Bree, and a funny word like ”Boise” will ruin the mood.

We need something that sounds serious.

Hm. How about ”Palestine”?

”Boise” will be just fine.

So, I guess we should, uh... get started.

What do you want me to do?

Handcuff me to the bed.

Bree, you are not gonna regret taking this journey with me.

This is gonna infuse our marriage with more passion than you can imagine.

You just have to trust me.

I do.

Would you mind if I ran these through the dishwasher once?

Sure.

You can wait here.

You can see him as soon as the doctor’s finished.

Oh, ok. Thanks.

Can you believe that story?

Please. There is no way that gunshot wound was self-inflicted.

And he can’t remember who stitched him up.

Well, the police are on their way to talk to him.

Let them sort it out.

Sorry about ruining dinner.

Oh, please, I’m just glad you’re ok.

So, you shot yourself?

Pretty lame, huh?

Yeah, I was cleaning my automatic and was too embarrassed to tell you.

Well, I could see why you would be.

I know it sounds crazy, I just...

I couldn’t let myself ruin your Valentine’s Day.

But I heard what you said at the restaurant.

About not wanting kids.

We don’t have to talk about that right now.

No, Susan.

I just want to be with you above everything else.

If that means not being a dad...

I may be stupid enough to shoot myself, but I’m not stupid enough to walk away from you.

You know that, right?

Yeah.

I’m gonna go outside and let you rest for a while.

Thanks... for being so understanding.

Ma’am.

Mr. Delfino?

I’m officer Russell, this is officer Walters.

Uh, we’d like to ask you a few questions.

What do you want?

The boys have something they’d like to say to you.

I have some tea heating on the stove.

Perhaps you’d better come inside, boys.

What about you, Lynette? Do you have anything to say?

No. I’ll just wait out here.

Suit yourself.

You boys want some peanut brittle?

Go ahead.

Don’t get any crumbs on my floor. Move over.

Ok, go ahead. Make with the apology.

We’re sorry.

That’s it, huh? Didn’t you know stealing is wrong?

- How old are you anyway? - We’re six.

- And how old are you? - Five.

Boy, your mother just pops them out, doesn’t she?

How old are you?

- How old do you think? - 150.

Hurry up and eat your peanut brittle.

Who’s that?

That’s my little boy.

Where does he live?

- He died when he was 12. - How come?

He got sick. He was a little terror like you three.

You would’ve liked him.

Now, you done with the peanut brittle?

Let’s go.

Now, I wanna say something to you before you go.

What you did was wrong, but it’s nice you got a present for your mom for Valentine’s Day.

Nobody’s ever gonna love you like your mother.

All right, let’s go.

Get the hell out of my house.

In her heart, Lynette knew she would probably never love her neighbor, never realizing love was the one thing she and her neighbor had in common.

Hey, Lynette.

What’s wrong?

My kids have been on a thieving jag.

Stealing stuff around the neighborhood.

I’m so sorry.

I know. They’re being punished.

Probably for life.

But... I needed you to see something.

They said they stole it from Mike’s garage.

From inside his workbench.

Your Mike.

- So? - Read the engraving.

- Is that blood? - I don’t know.

What... what does this mean?

I don’t know.

It’s impossible to grasp just how powerful love is.

It can sustain us through trying times...

...Or motivate us to make extraordinary sacrifices.

It can force decent men to commit the darkest deeds.

Or compel ordinary women to search for hidden truths.

And long after we’re gone, love remains, burned into our memories.

We all search for love.

But some of us, after we’ve found it, wish we hadn’t.