S01E18

Is anybody here?

There may have been a breakdown in our care.

You trying to buy us off?

Sometimes if you’re not careful...

There’s this place called Camp Hennessey.

I’m not going to any stupid camp for juvenile delinquents.

You don’t have a choice.

Past mistakes...

We pulled it out of Rockwater Lake.

I must have sold several hundred of these just like it.

I have a list of customers’ names on file.

will come back to haunt you.

I won’t tell anyone.

I’ll keep your secret, dad.

There were many things Gabrielle Solis knew for certain.

She knew red was her color.

She knew diamonds went with everything.

And she knew men were all the same.

But the one thing Gabrielle knew above all else...

she would never want children.

Unfortunately for Gabrielle, her husband Carlos felt differently.

I’m so lucky to have you.

Ok, I’ll bite.

Why are you so lucky?

Because...

I don’t want to have kids, and you do.

Oh, that.

Most men would leave over something like that.

And you’re still here.

I’m grateful. I know the sacrifice you’re making.

There’s still a part of me that’s hoping to change your mind.

Once you had a baby, I think you would love it so much that...

Honey, it’s not gonna happen.

- You never know. - No, sometimes you do.

Well, it is a sacrifice.

But you’re worth it.

Yes, Gabrielle Solis knew without a doubt she didn’t want to be a mother.

But what she couldn’t know was just how much her husband wanted to be a father, or that he’d been tampering with her birth control for months...

or that within one week’s time...

she’d be pregnant.

Saturdays on Wisteria Lane belonged to the children, and while most would spend the day practicing their sports...

and riding their bikes...

and jumping their ropes, others were no longer engaged in child’s play.

Indeed, some children were being forced to grow up very quickly.

Sorry to bother you on the weekend.

We just have a few questions for you.

About what?

12 years ago, your late wife purchased a toy chest.

Toy chest?

Yeah, it was about this big, had little dancing bears on it.

Gosh, I’m sorry.

The craftsman who makes these chests keeps a list of customers.

Apparently, you purchased one in august 1992.

We’d like to know where that chest is now.

Wow, I, uh... I wish I could help you.

I don’t recall any toy chest.

I remember.

It had little bears and balloons on it, right?

Yes, son, that’s right.

We threw it away when I was little.

I was standing on it and it busted.

- Remember, dad? - Vaguely.

I guess that’s all, then.

Thank you both for your time.

Hey. What’s the deal with this chest, anyway?

One just like you had washed up on Torch Lake.

- Had a woman in it. - A woman?

She was all chopped up.

Obviously, we need to talk.

You lied to me. You said it was a man in the box.

No, I didn’t lie.

The policeman said it was a woman’s body.

Of course you were lying.

I told you a private detective had come to take you away from us.

I never said it was a man.

- You didn’t? - No.

- I-I thought that... - No.

Stop. Please stop.

I know you’re lying to me, ok? I know that you’re lying.

For the last time, someone came and tried to take you away from us.

Yes, a woman. A woman came.

Yes, she tried to steal you from the only family that you’d ever really known.

And we couldn’t let that happen, and we didn’t.

And that...

...is the truth.

We can’t cancel now. It’s two days away.

Rex, I’m not going. That’s all there is to it.

Counseling is part of the treatment at Camp Hennessey.

You knew that.

Nowhere in that brochure did it say that we were expected to attend.

What’s Andrew going to think if you don’t show up?

Well, I am making him this care package.

I mean, he’ll know that I’m thinking about him.

Why are you putting in lemon squares?

They told us not to send him sweets.

I don’t understand why.

I guess they feel baked goods from mom undercut the boot camp experience.

Fine, I won’t send them, but I think it’s a stupid rule.

So are you going to this thing or not?

- No. - Why?

Because the minute I get there, Andrew will start...

...attacking me for abandoning him.

And I don’t want to hear it.

There’s no reason to feel guilty, you know.

You did everything you could for him.

I don’t feel guilty.

Ok.

Please, Christy.

There’s no way I can get another babysitter this late in the day.

- Parker, knock it off. - No.

Because I’m having drinks with friends I used to work with, and they never called, and if I blow them off, that’s it... I’m dead to them.

No, I can’t call Patty Binks.

Because she steals things.

Damn it, Christy, you’re 13 years old.

You got a lot of trips to the mall ahead of you.

Ok, ok, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I raised my voice.

I’m calm.

So I’m starting to think that this is about money.

So what is it that would make it worth your while?

A hundred! That’s extortion.

There’s no way in hell that I’m gonna...

Hello?

Hello?

Parker, I swear, I will spank you. Knock it off.

Hi, Mrs. Binks. Is Patty there? Thank you.

Hi, honey. I’m back.

Hey, sweetie.

This is Mr. Steinberg, the attorney from the hospital.

Oh, have we met?

Yes, Mrs. Solis. We’ve met.

Don’t you remember?

It was after mama died.

Apparently the hospital was negligent and agreed to a 7-figure settlement check, a check I was never told about.

Oh, that.

I...

- Mr. Steinberg... - I was just leaving.

- What were you thinking?! - Wait, just let me explain...

No, why the hell didn’t you tell me?!

Because I couldn’t trust you to make the right decision.

The right decision was to use that money for my lawyers!

We could have fought the indictment, and then I wouldn’t have had to take the plea bargain!

If you didn’t take the plea deal, the government would have seized the settlement.

We could have fought that in court.

Exactly,and then you would have blown all the money on the lawyers.

Who cares?!

If there was a chance didn’t have to go to jail.

You had Laotian convicts sewing casual wear for two cents an hour.

Don’t you think you deserve a time-out?

Eight months. Thanks to you, I’m going away for eight months.

And when you get out, we’re going to have money to start over with thanks to me.

You know, once you calm down, you’re gonna realize I did the right thing, and when that happens, I’d appreciate an apology.

Grandma’s here.

Now, that is just perfect.

Stay put.

- I am so sorry! - Hey, mom.

Oh, hey, Susie.

- I goofed. - What happened?

Oh, you know me. No depth perception whatsoever.

I’m stunned they even issued me a license.

So, you’re Susan’s mom.

Yeah.

I’m Sophie Bremmer. And you are?

Mike Delfino.

You’re Mike?! Oh, my god!

Susan’s told me so much about you!

Well, don’t just stand there. Give me a hug!

Mom. Uh... Mike and I aren’t... together anymore.

Oh! Sorry.

I guess I just made this pretty awkward, huh?

Yeah, you... You really did.

So let’s just call the insurance company.

Ok.

Well... It’s nice meeting you anyway, Mike.

You too. I never would’ve guessed you were Susan’s mom.

I know. I look too young.

I got pregnant when I was a tiny teenager.

Ok...

It was the first time I got drunk, ever.

- Can you believe it? - Let’s go.

Her father was a marine.

Afterwards, he gave me three of his medals.

- Mom! - What?

Let’s just go inside and call the insurance company.

Oh, right.

What are you smiling about?

I used to have all these questions about how you got to be the way you are.

They were all just answered.

What’s going on?

My babysitter cancelled.

Lynette, I’m so swamped today.

My house is a mess and I’ve got millions of errands to run.

Please hear me out. This is important.

Today, I have a chance to rejoin the human race for a few hours.

There are actual adults waiting for me with Margaritas.

Look, I’m in a dress. I have make-up on.

If it were any other day.

Oh, for god’s sakes, Bree, I’m wearing pantyhose.

- Bring them in. - Thank you, thank you.

Ok, in you go.

Then the police showed me his mug shot.

- No! - Yes.

Mike served time for selling drugs and manslaughter.

- I can’t believe it. - Well, it’s true.

- He has such nice manners. You know? - I know.

Susie, I don’t want you worrying too much about this Mike thing.

The right man will come along. Just give it time.

I think I would have given up entirely if it weren’t for you and Morty.

- Morty? - Yeah, you know.

It’s the third time around for both of you and you’re really clicking.

Oh. It gives me hope.

- What’s wrong? - Nothing, nothing. Um...

I’m just... I’m tired.

You’re not tired. You took a nap. What is it?

- I left Morty. - What?! Why?

Because he shoved me.

Morty? No!

You think I’m lying? Fine!

- Why would he shove you? - Because I confronted him.

About how much time he’s spending at that damned pancake restaurant.

If that’s where he’s really been.

Oh, you can’t be serious. Morty?

You think men his age don’t have needs?

You should see the waitresses he hires.

Every year, they get younger and younger.

Maybe you just feel that way because every year you get older and older.

- That’s a horrible thing to say. - I’m sorry.

- I’m not that old. - I said I was sorry.

People think we’re sisters.

That’s ’cause you tell them that.

One time. You’ve gotta let go of that.

Ok, look. I am just saying that I don’t think morty cheated on you.

Well, he did shove me.

And the least you can do is be supportive.

You’re right. You’re right.

- He also threw a book at me. - Oh, come on!

I mean... he shouldn’t have done that.

Huh. Thank you.

Porter, honey, those cookies are hot.

Wait a few minutes and I’ll give you one, ok?

You know, pictures are prettier if you color inside the lines.

Well, art is subjective.

- Porter! What did I tell you? - But I’m hungry.

Then I will fix you a very nice bowl of peaches and cottage cheese.

- Ew! Barf! - Don’t be common, young man.

Come on. If you play with those cookies one more time, I’m gonna have to spank you.

- We don’t get spanked. - Really?

Mommy always says she’s gonna but she never does.

Well, I am not your mommy.

And if you misbehave in my house, you will get spanked.

So be good.

- It was an accident. - Porter, I warned you.

I’m sorry. I’ll be good.

Those cookies were made from scratch.

Your fate is sealed.

Come here.

No, no!

What’s that?

It’s called a post-nuptial agreement.

It’s a legal document...

I know what a post-nup is.

What is it doing on my coffee table?

I can forgive that stunt you pulled with the settlement check, If I’m sure you’ll really be around when I get out of jail.

And the post-nup changes the terms of the pre-nup, so...

So if you try and divorce me while I’m gone...

...you get nothing.

You don’t trust me?

- I’m afraid not. - Well, that’s too bad.

Because I’m not signing that piece of paper.

You’re a very beautiful woman, Gabrielle.

But... you’re not very bright.

If you don’t sign it, I’ll pull the plug on the settlement agreement, divorce you, and then you get what amounts to which is basically nothing.

So what do you expect to happen right now, Carlos?

I’ll sign the paper and jump right back into your arms?

It doesn’t mean that I don’t love you.

You know I think you’re the perfect woman.

Oh, but I’m not. I have flaws.

Flaws?

I’ll give you an example.

Remember the time when you were in jail and you told me about your secret compartment and you told me to burn the papers that I found in there?

Well, me being pretty and therefore stupid, I forgot.

You didn’t burn the papers.

Worse. I read them.

- Ok, ok... - You have some nerve talking to me about trust when you have a secret bank account in the Cayman Islands!

- That was a safety net for both of us. - I’ll bet.

- Have you told anyone about this? - No, but I could.

Isn’t that why the prosecution didn’t have a case against you?

They couldn’t find the profits you made.

So if I were you, I wouldn’t mention the words divorce, trust, or post-nup ever again.

You don’t wanna piss me off.

I know, baby. It hurts to lose.

Ante up.

Well, look at me!

Finally in on one of your legendary poker parties.

Susan’s always telling me how much fun you have.

The rules are simple. We play for cash, the dealer picks the game, and unsubstantiated gossip is encouraged.

Bree, thanks again for watching my boys.

They weren’t too much to handle?

We had a wonderful time.

Although I think Porter had a little less fun.

Ok, I’ll bet.

So, Sophie, Susan says you’re going to the Spa tomorrow.

Is it an all-day thing?

What do you mean, Porter had less fun?

I’ll raise.

He misbehaved, so I had to punish him.

Yes, Susan is treating me to an entire day of...

When you say punishment, what exactly are we talking about?

Oh, I had to spank him.

Ok, I will re-raise.

You spanked my son?

Las Brisas Spa.

Yup, that’s where we’re going.

Lynette, is there a problem?

Tom and I don’t believe in hitting our kids.

Sorry, I didn’t know.

It won’t happen again.

Of course, I’m somewhat surprised you don’t spank them.

Everybody knows they’re a little bit...

out of control.

Wow, I am dragging today.

Shall we put on another pot of coffee?

Yeah, I’ll do it.

I’ll... I’ll fold.

Yeah, you’re right, Bree.

I’ve got a lot to learn about parenting.

I feel so blessed to be getting sage advice from an impeccable mother like you.

Your kids turned out perfect, if you don’t count Andrew.

Where is he, again?

Some kind of a boot camp for juvenile delinquents?

Ok, girls.

I never said I was perfect.

Honey, nobody’s blaming you.

The hell I’m not.

Lynette...

If you will excuse me.

Lynette, will you go after her?

She spanked my son.

I’m not apologizing.

Usually, poker is more fun than this.

So help me, if you don’t back me up on this, I will lose it.

Yes, Bree shouldn’t have spanked Porter.

But it’s not like she hurt him.

That is not the point.

You don’t spank other people’s children.

He was misbehaving. She had to do something.

But make no mistake, she definitely crossed the line.

Damn right.

She could’ve tried something else, like a time-out, or she could’ve simply threatened to spank him.

Yeah, ’cause that works out so well when we do it.

It does work. It does work most of the time.

It used to work.

They’ve figured out it’s an empty threat.

They’re onto us.

My mom used to beat the hell out of my sisters and me, and I won’t do it.

I will not become my mother.

Fine.

But the boys are getting older and smarter.

And eventually, believe me, They’ll figure out that they outnumber us and then...

we’re screwed.

Exactly.

Excuse me, Zachary.

Would you mind helping me with these bags?

There’s some banana bread in it for you if you do.

Uh, yeah, sure.

Mm. This is really good, Mrs. Tillman. Thanks a lot.

You’re welcome, Zachary.

I’ve never been in Mrs. Huber’s house before.

Obviously you haven’t missed much.

This is the place where good taste goes to die.

So, I heard you and your father arguing the other day.

- Everything all right at home? - Yeah.

We just have... problems, sometimes.

I bet you miss your mother.

I’m sure things were... different when she was alive.

Such a warm, loving woman.

You...

...knew my mother?

Yup. Years ago, in Utah.

We worked together.

- I didn’t know that. - It’s true.

In fact...

...I’ll tell you a secret.

I once met you when you were a little baby.

Really?

Your mother loved you so much, Zachary.

Of all the things I remember, I remember that the most.

You wanna know what else I remember?

How lovely your original name was.

Dana?

Isn’t this nice?

Just the two of us girls hanging out, getting pretty.

- Oh, thank you. - My pleasure.

So, I was thinking maybe you should call Morty.

You know, get started working things out?

Why work things out with a man who abuses me?

You don’t have to gasp. My mother exaggerates.

She won’t be happy till I have bruises.

Um, can we just focus? What I want to know is, have you thought about what’s going to happen if you don’t go back to Morty?

What do you mean?

Well, you don’t have a place to live, you don’t like to work, you didn’t want to marry Morty so he doesn’t have to pay you alimony.

If you don’t go back to this man who allegedly shoved you once in five years, what are your options?

I thought I could live with you.

What?!

Oh, god! Are you all right?!

- Get away! - I’m so sorry.

I was startled.

Here, lean your head back.

I’m not saying permanently, just a couple of years.

You broke my nose.

No, it’s just banged a little.

Till I get back on my feet.

Can we talk about this later?

Should we call 911?

It’s just a nosebleed. She’s fine.

I thought you’d be excited by the idea.

It’s not that I’m not excited.

I’m not stupid, Susan.

It’s obvious you don’t want me here.

No, that’s not true! Mom, don’t go!

Mom, come back!

You know, I need to...

- We’re good, right? - Just go.

Why aren’t you dressed yet?

I wanted to wear Andrew’s favorite color and then I realized that...

...I don’t know what it is.

Honey, I think the fact you decided to come at all will make him happy.

Yours is blue.

Danielle loves pink.

And I have no idea what my own son’s favorite color is.

I’m telling you, it doesn’t matter.

How can you say that?

- Of course it matters. - Bree...

That is a good mother.

Someone who knows their child inside and out so that if they get in trouble, they know what to do.

I don’t know him well enough.

You are a good mother.

Brown or green? I... just don’t know.

I’m gonna wait in the car.

Whenever you’re ready.

Green.

I’ll go with the green. Everybody loves green.

I told you. I’m not signing this.

Oh, I think you are.

Because if you don’t, I will divorce you.

Then I’ll go to the police.

And tell them what?

There’s a secret bank account in the Cayman Islands that no longer exists?

- You moved the money? - Of course I moved the money.

That was risky.

I mean, the feds are watching you right now.

I had to do something.

I couldn’t just let you make a fool out of me.

Oh! stop, Carlos, stop it!

- Put me down! - Ok.

Put me down!

Let me go!

Stop! You’re hurting me, Carlos!

Sign it.

Sign it!

I know, baby.

It hurts to lose.

Mr. and Mrs. Van de Kamp?

Uh, yes. Is it our turn?

Well, uh, sort of. Andrew’s waiting inside but, uh...

What’s wrong?

Well, he said he won’t go forward with the session if...

his mother’s involved.

He only wants to talk to his dad.

We drove 200 miles to be here today.

This is unacceptable.

Yeah, I share your frustration.

To hell with him, then. We’re going home.

- No. - I’m not gonna let him insult you like this.

He blames me for his being here.

He blames me for everything.

And he’s probably right.

Any mistakes made were made by both of us.

One of us should go talk to him, see how he is.

I’m OK.

- Are you sure? - Yeah, I’m fine.

Right this way.

Mom! Mom!

I’m coming. What is it? Why aren’t you guys brushing your teeth?

Perk, what happened?

Porter pushed me and it fell in.

- He pushed me first. - Can I flush it?

No, no, I’ll fish it out later.

You’re off the hook tonight but not you two, so start brushing.

Preston, did you not hear me?

I said start brushing your teeth.

What are you doing?

Don’t you dare.

Do it! Do it!

Don’t listen to them.

Back away from the toilet and no one gets hurt.

Do it! Do it!

I mean it this time. These are not just words.

Do it! Do it!

If you do this, so help me...

Hearing the hollowness of her own voice, Lynette realized that it was time to get one step ahead.

Do it! Do it!

I will walk you over to Mrs. Van de Kamp’s and we all know what happens when she gets mad.

Now...

Go brush your teeth. I want ’em to sparkle. Go on.

Sorry you had to bring your kid back.

What happened this time?

A couple of months back, I caught Tug going through my purse.

Oh, I hate when they do that.

Was he looking for weed or money?

Who knows at this point?

Anyway, I’d knocked a couple back and things got heated.

Pretty soon we’re both screaming, throwing stuff round the apartment.

Next thing you kown, lady upstairs calls the cops.

Oh, give me a break.

So, now I got some social worker trying to tell me how to raise my boy.

Kids! boy, if I knew then what I know now, I would’ve had that hysterectomy 20 years ago.

- Uh, Bree... - Don’t get up. I’ll be quick.

Andrew, all any parent can do is provide their child with the tools to succeed in life.

Education, love, a good clean, safe home.

I’ve given you those things and I’m through feeling guilty.

If you wanna piss your life away and blame it on how horrible things are at home, go ahead.

But I want it stated for the record that I’m a good mother. Do you hear me?

I am a good mother.

Bree...

Andrew just told me he thinks he might be gay.

What?!

That’s why he wanted me to come in first.

He thought I could take it better.

Well, he was right. I will be waiting in the car.

Mrs. Solis. What are you doing here?

- Ok. - Are your roommates here?

No.

- Are you ok? - Yeah.

- What’s this? - That? Uh...

Carlos just got a little rough. Made me sign some papers.

He hurt you?

- What are you doing? - I’ll take care of this.

- You are not gonna do anything. - We can’t let him get away with it.

Look, if you really wanna get back at him, then kiss me.

- How’s that gonna help? - Because...

one day when the time is right, I’m gonna tell him how he drove me right into your arms.

And that’s gonna kill him.

And tonight, just... whatever you do, don’t call me beautiful.

Oh, Morty, look who’s here.

Hey, Millie. Hi, Morty.

Susie, what brings you here?

Mom. I brought her over.

What’s she doing out there?

She says she won’t come in until you apologize to her.

- For what? - For shoving her.

I only shoved her because she wouldn’t stop hitting me.

Why was she hitting you?

I threw a... I threw a book at her.

- Morty! - It was a paperback.

- Well, even so! - At least I missed.

I mean, she... she hit me square in the gut.

- Wanna see the bruise? - That’s ok. That’s ok.

- It really hurt. - Yeah, I understand.

So...

Could you, uh, just go out and apologize?

- No. - Why?

- ’cause I don’t want her back. - Morty!

Look, I love her, but the pancake shack is just starting to take off.

We’re talking about opening another one.

That’s practically a chain.

I don’t have time for her hysterics.

I sympathize, I really do.

- But you have to take her back. - Why?

Because she wants to move in with me.

I’d like to have a relationship again, and at my age, with a kid, if she moves into my house, even for a couple of years, I’m doomed.

Wasn’t there a plumber?

Your mother said you were in love with a plumber.

I am. I mean, I was.

- It didn’t work out. - I’m sorry.

If she moves in, she will burn up all my oxygen and I need it.

Please, can’t you give her another chance?

You guys are really good together, you know?

When you’re... when, when, when there’s no violence.

Well, we do have chemistry.

Absolutely.

And, you know, the sex was like... Wow!

I mean, there was this one time, we were coming home on the interstate...

You don’t have to sell me. Just go talk to her.

Now.

Ok.

That was a mighty big sigh.

I just keep thinking it’s coming, and I can’t stop it.

What’s that?

The day my mother will need to move in and I won’t have a choice.

I know it’s years away.

She’s youthful and vibrant, thank god.

But time flies.

One day she won’t be able to take care of herself anymore.

- And I’ll have to step up. - I suppose that’s true.

I think it’s nature’s little joke, that children ultimately end up parenting their parents.

Well, when that day comes, I’ll be ready.

Honey, you’d better get out there.

Stop it! Aaagh!

What are you doing?

Porter says he can’t catch me!

Look, I just wanted to apologize...

Lynette, don’t.

The fact that you just crossed that street means the world to me.

And if anyone here should apologize, it’s me.

Thank you.

Looks like Tom’s got the mob under control.

Wanna have some coffee, sit around, bitch about our kids...?

- I would love to. - Ok.

Children come into the world with their own agendas.

Some to brighten our days.

Some to test our patience.

Some to give us purpose.

Some to take care of us.

Yes, when they come, children change everything.

Especially when they’re not invited.